March 6, 2024
Facing The Inevitable: Embracing the Reality of Loss
By John Myers
By Giannie Arana
It was only supposed to be a two week shutdown, not an ongoing three years of dejection. Droplets of tragedy started pouring on us all as the vicious gray sky clouded the world in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The unknown was chilling, as contracting the virus was like signing a deal to your death. My cousin, “Sydney” lost her parent due to the virus. “It was cold, that’s all I could really remember. The bitter smell of the hospital wasn’t at all comforting either as it just made me feel more uneasy.” Even more uneasy when I heard the nurse say to Sydney, “ma’am you cannot stay here, you have to keep out of the hospital.” “I didn’t want to leave them but I knew that they were suffering… I only knew how to walk away at that moment. I saw the fear, and desperation in her eyes of how serious she was in telling me to leave. It only scared me more to see the ones who are fearless start to quiver.” Unfortunately, this was the last interaction Sydney would have with her loved one.
Sydney’s process of grief was quite heart-wrenching to watch, as she grieved alone. I would have given anything to be there for her but the whole world was shut down during this time. She was the only one in her family to not get infected, some would say she was “lucky.” The rest of her family was still hospitalized, and barely conscious to understand that one of their parents had passed. Professor Cori Bussolari is an associate professor in the counseling psychology department at the University Of San Francisco and she expands on this by saying, “For people who have had loved ones with a long-term illness say that they have been able to say goodbye to the person and they get the opportunity to be with them throughout this illness. However, oftentimes when that person dies it happens very quickly and it’s very difficult for people to make sense of their world again. What’s happened is that the being we are attached to, who we have built connections with, who we have built habits with is gone and we have to learn how to walk in the world again without whomever it is.”
Sydney did not experience this as it was so sudden and she handled funeral arrangements alone, delivering the news to extended family, and now she had the responsibility to deliver the news to her immediate family who finally awoke from the limbo they were in. Nothing could put into words what her grieving process was like. Syd could just say that it was “an extreme feeling of anguish” as she had to relive that grief over and over.
Every now and then I get the reminder that humans “expire.” I always knew we have a set date where we won’t continue to be on this Earth, ever since I was a little girl. The passing of Sydney’s parent reminded me that our bodies are designed in such a way where we slowly decay over time. Similar to the can of string beans sitting on your local supermarket shelf as it slowly awaits its purchase, eventually reaching its expiration date and being discarded. Death is part of the deal we made after all but it’s not necessarily part of the contract we make with our loved ones. When a relationship or life ends, grieving takes center stage for the surviving party. Grief could be quite similar when losing someone because of death or losing communication with them since that feeling of yearning is left behind.
Bussolari reminded me “We are relational beings, we are built to relate, to connect, and attach.” Having to deal with losing people has become my normal – either through death or simply a failure of communication. I have learned that loss and grief is not only related to death but is quite a similar feeling to losing someone that could still be in your life. Some kids lose their parents because of lack of communication. That was me. I have lost communication with one of my parents who is still alive and it has left quite a scrape on me, one I think I will never be able to heal from. Never having that “attachment,” always being a bystander to seeing the bond my friends have with their parents, makes me feel like I’m missing out on the happy cookie cutter life that all my friends have..
Recently, my friend Noelle and I were going on an overnight trip to Boston and her father had offered to pick me up since we had to be at school by seven in the morning. In the heated vehicle, Noelle and I were deciding what last minute snacks we would have to buy at the deli, a classic New York activity. She suggested that she wanted ice cream for breakfast as a joke since “she was getting a little toasty” sitting in the car. Noelle’s father then suggested we grab breakfast at Dunkin Donuts while he went to get gas. We had purchased our breakfast and made our way back to their car but her father wasn’t there. That was odd, we waited for five minutes and we saw him approaching the car with a bag full of snacks. Noelle and I were in shock as she thanked him while opening the bag. The big tub of vanilla bean ice cream was staring at us. Little gestures like that always get me, as I reminisce on that missing bond, on what I do not have.
I was never taught trust, I was never taught support, I was never taught how to love or be loved, since I was missing the prime nurturer. I looked at them with awe as I saw Noelle’s eye glisten and her father staring back with contentment, the contentment in making his daughter happy. I wish I had that. You can always mend your communication and relationship with your parents while you still have time. Don’t wait until they have reached their designated expiration date.
